hitting bottom

Well, it is time to confess.

I hit bottom last week. Melted down.

I acted out in anger and frustration with my wife and her dog. Leslie was complaining it seemed to me. About how unresponsive I was. She was trying to get me to open up and share what I was "feeling". I am an Enneagram 3, and as such, have difficulty finding my feelings. I am naturally detached. Compartmentalization comes quite naturally to me. In doing so, she verbally coerced, pushed, and coaxed, pushed, and then.... well, my small self gets threatened...I was not in a very good mood. I was tired, and frustrated, and a bit worried about ...finances, the business, the fact that Les wanted me to open up, and I did not want to.

I wanted to be left alone, and neither she nor the dog would leave me alone.

Les wanted me to let her in on what I was feeling. The dog wanted to play and rough house. I wanted neither.

Leslie was talking to me, and I was responding, quietly and calmly, when the dog kept barking, barking loudly--wanting attention, wanting to play. Interrupting.

I became quite exasperated in that moment.

Angry at the trap I found myself in, between wife and dog, I melted down, I raised my voice. I undertook violent action. I rared back and threw my brand new copy of Texas Monthly at Athena who was barking, loudly and incessantly--and yelled: "Gotdamit, shut the f&%k up!" yes I did say that---and scared the pup to death--she cowered, and then crept away slowly, that is ---she "slunked"off into a corner...(you know how dogs mirror feelings)-- she knew I was a mad man at that moment. Leslie knew I was a madman too. She then told me that I was out of control...and that it was a bad time to try and have a conversation... that she would rather I go in another room for a few minutes. That is, until I could cool down, and control my emotions.

That was just fine with me. I stomped out of the bedroom. Harrrrrumphhh.

After I went in the other room, I received a text message from a friend, and did some deep breathing...that always brings my head's anger into the solace of the heart--and enables modulation of the anger feelings. It is a direct link from the heart to the soul--deep breathing causes us to slow down...aaah. I returned to my senses...and was ashamed of myself.

So, I really slipped. I lost it.

Maybe it was all that effort I expended--trying to exhibit true kenosis...ha...probably not. :)

It is just that I cannot say how this episode happened, but alas...my chief feature--the deceptive Jacob-like creature that I am, is very alive and well, and rears its ugly head occasionally.

Human and fallible...that's me.

There I have confessed it.

I apologized to Leslie and made up with the dog. But, it caused me great fatigue.

I also asked the Spirit to forgive me...but she already had.