Existence is a strange bargain. Life owes us little; we owe
it everything. The only true happiness comes from
squandering ourselves for a purpose.
-William Cowper
We often think that if we go after what we want, we will probably get it; then we will be happy and secure. The mass media have latched onto this line of thinking and intone it like a litany: grab, grab, grab! Yet sooner or later the whole smorgasbord of things begins to lose its luster. Then the sensitive person asks, "If I go on grabbing and grabbing, at what point do I become secure and feel no more need to grab?" This question can lead to some far-reaching changes in our lives.
Our needs are much too big to be satisfied with things, no matter how many we can manage to acquire. The more we try to get, the more acutely we feel those bigger, undeniable needs.
Our deepest need is for the joy that comes with loving and being loved, with knowing we are of genuine use to others. The more we give of ourselves to others, the more the Lord within wants to give us. Every day we empty ourselves by giving all we can in the way of kindness and loving help. Then every morning we will find ourselves full again - of love, of understanding, of forgiveness, of energy.
~ Eknath Easwaran, esteemed teacher of meditation...
Thanks, Sri Easwaran. I truly want to believe this, I really do. But do I act upon it? Not in the least.
I try to give of myself, but I don't end up actually doing it.
I have learned that I have a "Chief Feature" in my life--and through the Enneagram, I have found what that is.
I am an Enneagram type 3.* I am detached naturally from the emotions and feelings of the heart. I think, and do, very willingly and with great energy and focus. All of the issues I have had to overcome in the past have to do with the foibles that are in my false personality due to my enneagram type. It is a very hard type to overcome and to reconcile.
My subtle problem is that as a #3, I feel very deeply, but because the intensity of those feelings could cause me to experience great pain--I tend to push those feelings back to the storage container compartment that I store those impressions in--away from my consciousness...and rarely do I ever "go there".
I tend to be a person who compartmentalizes life, and lives from a false front.
So, "there's the rub", to seek to give of myself, to a cause greater than that of myself, while it is definitely a noble goal, I must admit, it is not for me, easily practiced.
I am a person who loves to "get things done", and to conceptualize and bring a concept to reality through a strategic action plan...but as far as "feelings" and emotions go, I am a completed disabled individual.
Meditation and spiritual reading and prayer are helping me (albeit slowly), and 'The Work' and practice of transformation are bringing my consciousness up to a more and more honest awareness of my false self issues and habits, but indeed, I have such a long way to go.
This is frustrating. I can't apply my type 3 "think and do" to this transformational practice. It won't work.
Spiritual growth, the work of transformation--is a life long endeavor, and when I seek to measure progress, any at all-- well, it is daunting. A worthy goal and one I must apply myself to continually...but daunting.
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