I am awake

Do not let your peace depend on the hearts of others; whatever they say about you,
good or bad,
you are not because of it another,
for as you are, you are. -Thomas a Kempis

Even if you have ninety-nine people cheering you, there will
always be a hundredth to boo. That is the nature of life,
and to deal with it, we need simply to learn not to be always
on the lookout for appreciation and applause.
If people say, "Oh, there is nobody like you," don't get elated.
Don't pick up your telephone and call your friends to tell them
what is being broadcast about you. That's what most of us do,
you know; that's why telephones are so busy.
It is also why so many people get dejected when fortune seems
to frown.

My spiritual teacher - a person who didn't mince words - used to
tell me, "You can't shut other people's mouths." It took me years to
understand that. This unlettered uneducated person knew that we don't
have any control over other people's minds. You can control only your
own mind. When you understand this, you know you needn't be concerned
about what people say about you: it doesn't affect you, because your
mind cannot be upset. You may feel hurt, but you will have an inner
security that cannot be shaken.
~Eswaran

This discipline, of not being overly concerned about the opinions and
words of others, is a characteristic I am striving for. I have not yet
attained it, so please do not get me wrong.
I am so sensitive, get my feelings hurt easily. I am fallible and
so in error. Indeed, I am only ten years into this Work of personal
transformation. I have only been reading and meditating on Nicoll,
Gurdjieff, Ouspensky, Rohr, Eswaran, Bonhoeffer, and Keating for 8 years.
So I have limited theological training...I did not attend a seminary.
I do not have proficiency in homiletics, or anything else. Since I got out
of SMU commercial banking grad school in 1986, I have not pursued a
graduate degree in anything other than 'reaping what I myself have sown'.
My real, true school is and has been simply "the school of life's hard knocks".
I am no-where close to where I need to be. I must seek daily to be self
observing self-aware and literally awake.
Awakening is necessary to really see life's varied situations for what
they are, and to assess your own ownership and involvement in them...or
non-involvement...and the question returns---am I really awake?
Do I constantly observe my own state and seek true balance?

When Gautama Siddhartha, who became The Buddha was being sought
by many followers, some new admirers
approached him and asked, "Who ARE you?"
"Are you a God?" Buddha said "no".
Well, are you a prophet? Buddha said "no".
Well, are you a great philosopher?
Buddha said "no".
Getting frustrated, the followers reiterated, "so,then who are you?"
and the Buddha said, "I am awake".
In the face of either praise and success, or in the face of daunting
challenges and misfortune...may I seek to become more and more a calm,
mindful and conscious being, with an awakening sense of self and of my
own ugliness: physical, emotional and intellectual limitations, and
at the same time, my own blessed, fortunate circumstances and gifted
personal characteristics.
Balance. That is what is needed.