Thoughts at the end of the first decade of the new Millennium…
As the end of 2009 approaches, causing me to reflect on the past ten years of experience and eventual emergence from a ‘die before you die’ death experience which began in 1997 and culminated in 2001, I am resonant with the insightful thoughts of Teresa of Avila, when she was considering the twenty plus years she journeyed in order to “become established” in God…
This little Spanish girl evolved into a remarkably spiritual woman. As a girl she could say passionately, "I want something that will last forever!" She became one of the world's greatest mystics. In order to progress and evolve into what she was to become, she went through twenty years of doubt and struggle before becoming as she put it: "established in God”. If this pursuit took her twenty years, how can a little person like me think that I can achieve anything close to being ‘established’ in God in ten short years?
If I am painfully honest, I must recognize that the beginning of this first decade of the 21st century—or the end of the past life- actually could be approximated as September 17-21, 2001, which was the week of the two blows which ended my former material life, the effects of my appearance in two separate federal courtrooms, resulting in two judge’s rulings.
One, the ruling that my plea to one count of guilt for bank secrecy act violation –the commission of which occurred in 1999- was accepted, resulting in my conviction of a third degree federal violation; and the other, the recognition by a federal bankruptcy judge that my submission of assets and debts constituted a Chapter 7 bankruptcy by law. Both these rulings, ego-based living death blows, took place during the week of 9/20/01. That was the end of life as I once knew it. Since that week, beginning with the offering of new job and provision for my family on September 28, the following Monday, my life has been wholly and completely dependent on the provision of the Lord, or at least that is when my awareness of that perspective emerged.
So the ending of this decade marks many dramatic changes that have occurred in this life for me. The death was painful, because my ego was fatally wounded. This was a humiliation that I can now see was necessary, but it hurt terribly, none the less… especially since I continued to live in the same town and encounter many of the same people over and over.
So, Teresa inspires me, because she too began with doubts and conflicts. Little people like me are likely to be haunted by them - and can feel frequently disheartened for a long, long time. The felony conviction and the failure of bankruptcy have haunted me since that fateful week in 2001.
When doubts reoccur about my own capacity for spiritual, and physical survival, much less progress, I am reminded by Teresa not to be a defeatist. I am called forth to remember these words of Saint Teresa and keep striving, keep on trying.
This is all I believe I am expected to do.
I am grateful that this decade is rolling up into a completed scroll. After the pain and humiliation, I can’t say I am sad to see it be completed. But, at the same time, I can easily praise God that He is faithful, and has delivered me, whole and well, and enabled me to serve him. I am thankful that he gives His grace to the humble. Humiliation was I believe the only way that I could become truly humble. Thanks be to God for that process.
Happy New Year. Happy New Decade.
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