Lessons from writing the ‘spiritual autobiography’

“There is an underlying attitude that cripples and blinds each of us. It can be so pervasive that we do not often question it. This attitude is a perversion of the natural order created by our loneliness and insecurity, by the illusion of separateness, by ignorance. The problem, in a way, is quite simple: we think of ourselves too often and in the wrong way.

The result is self importance (or its’ opposite, self hatred), and greed.”

As I share the long and sometimes sordid story of my own autobiography, I do so from a “Spiritual lessons” point of view, keeping this aforementioned premise in mind. I can really relate to this…because for a great portion of my life-

I have thought of myself too often and in the wrong way.

I have been studying the enneagram as a way of self revelation and understanding for the purposes of transformation by the Spirit of Yahweh, through Jesus Christ(YESHUA-His Aramaic name). As an Enneagram three, who is seeking redemption from my natural blindness to my own issues, I hope you can appreciate the fact that discussing this is a difficult thing for me.

Let me quote the authorities Riso and Hudson, as they describe Enneagram Threes:

“in the headlong rush to achieve whatever they believe will make them more valuable, Threes can become so alienated from themselves that they no longer know what they truly want, or what their real feelings or interests are. In this state, they are easy prey to self–deception, deceit, and falseness of all kinds. Thus, the deeper problem is that their search for a way to be of value increasingly takes them further away from their own Essential Self with its core of real value. From their earliest years, as Threes become dependent on receiving attention from others and in pursuing the values that others reward, they gradually lose touch with themselves. Step by step, their own inner core, their “heart’s desire,” is left behind until they no longer recognize it.”

This has literally happened to me.

I want to be thought of as “having it together” or “wise”, and my autobiography and it’s true reflections of past deeds does not portray me in that light.

Let’s start with a definition of theophany: a visible (but not necessarily material) manifestation of deity to a human person. Throughout the story of the life I have lived so far, there have been theophanies of a type—that is—and all of us have these--times when I can, with the vision of hindsight, say—that was “ a God thing, that was an instance when I know God was intervening”… so, I will mark several times in this-my life story with a theophany—when I can look back and say—“thanks be to God—He was in that circumstance--or occurrence.”

I want to first share the lessons that I think are most important in all this for me, first—so you can maybe appreciate more what I have experienced…and to the current space/time interval in history, to which this life has led me.

The Lesson first, then the story

Richard Rohr, in his book, “Job and the Mystery of Suffering”, states:

“God can set us right only by breaking us down. As long as we stay in a self assured, righteous, left brained position, there is no way we can be bridge builders, or reconcilers”- either in our own self integration, or in our dealings with others…He also states that “the only way to being centered or converted in God is through prayer or suffering”.

I have been obtuse in this area…and have not experienced or learned any sort of way to conversion through prayer. I inadvertently, by default then- chose suffering as the path I would be led - in order to come to a place of conversion, or metanoia—turning around--so – in ignorance, I chose suffering.

After this suffering began to take its toll on me and my family—what I call a “sign of Jonah” experience, I began to learn what it is to truly seek to be aligned with God in prayer. Suffering first, prayer afterwards…

The story goes that the biblical character Job learned what it really meant to pray by his direct, “gloves off” emotional honesty- Job tried yelling at God, accusing God of all kinds of things. Job speaks to God with sarcasm, (and receives sarcastic responses!) Job seems to almost make fun of God, and is derisive –“if this is a game you’re playing, God…then you’re not much of a God! I don’t want you and I don’t need you!” --- I can only imagine the emotion that led Job to that point, because so far, I am so much less exposed to suffering than Job…(thankfully)

To contrast with Job, I have a wise and faithful spouse who has not urged me to curse God and die! (Sometimes when I reflect on what has happened, I wonder why she has chosen to stay with me. Truly my physical death could have made life easier for her in many ways…)

However, I can relate to the wisdom of Job’s conclusion: “Shall we receive the good at the hand of God and not also receive the bad?” Job’s prayer life had at least been honest and straightforward. Hopefully, that is the direction in which God is leading me now, as it regards prayer…and in actual day to day living.

In some ways life for me has been like the paschal mystery–in that the joy of the resurrection can happen, but only after the pain, the suffering, and the humiliation and rejection of the crucifixion. After all the pain or failure and rejection in my life, and the eventual death to my overinflated ego-- I have literally been given a new life.

But Yeshua committed no sin as he went through all that pain and suffering. But my experience of suffering was due to my own actions, which were evidence of alienation from my true self—resulting in a tremendously selfish and deceitful nature, my own life pattern that caused the death of what I now realize I once vigorously promoted as “me”…inhabited by a tragically overblown ego.

Through my own wrongdoing, my own shortsighted selfishness, like Jonah-- I was disobedient to what God would have me to do, and as a result, put myself into the position of being cast into the deep--against my own will---yet was swallowed up and protected by His cupped hands—to be washed up on the shore—to receive the life I had originally been given and had by my own willful negligence, almost completely squandered…

Another Rohr-ism: “True joy is not authentic unless it has been achieved through pain…not under it, not over it, not to the left or right of it, but through it…”yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death”…like Job, at the depths of my experience, I said to God:

“may the day perish when I was born, and the night that told of a boy conceived, may it be forgotten, may that day be darkness, may God have no thought of it, may no light shine on it”…

I have prayed a version of that, and have actually thought something like that—just a little over ten years ago…but I digress…

Like the pattern of the children of Israel, life so far has been a story of falling away from Yahweh, worshiping other gods before Him, transgressions, theophanies, and blessings, grace gifts…prosperity…apostasy…discipline…restoration—there are things which have been humiliating, which led to a hesitant repentance, and then a grace filled restoration…and like Israel-all in all—continued divine provision. God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. This is a definite truism for me.

Unlike most of you, I am growing old. I have years and years of diverse experience…which is the name we give to our mistakes.

In spite of my failure to be faithful to Him, The Spirit of God has remained faithful, steadfast, abiding, caring, patient, and ever true.  Next, the story.